Kim And Kanye's Obnoxious Christmas Gift Exchange

The Kardashians don't do anything in a small way. They tend to use more makeup than a film's special effects department, they augment their bodies in ways that barely make sense, even for Hollywood standards, and they flaunt their wealth flagrantly. When it came time for Kim and Kanye to exchange gifts this year, it was exactly as excessive and obnoxious as you'd expect.

Before we even get into the main event of Kim and Kanye's gross and transparent display of their opulent wealth, we need to address Kris Jenner's Annual Christmas Eve Party. You know, the one that featured Drake, Jennifer Lopez, couture dresses, three of the gaudiest Christmas trees ever decorated, and live reindeer in the yard. The reindeers were probably kept outside the house because they looked too natural.

Having sent his assistant to Italy to shop for him, Kanye used Skype to direct this poor servant around what had to be some of the most expensive stores in all of Europe to procure the 150 gifts he bought for Kim. If it took her 30 seconds to open each item, that's 75 minutes of unwrapping presents. There's just no way to keep up the excitement for that long. Besides, there's always that one turtleneck sweater vest that you just have to awkwardly smile about while immediately thinking of when/how you'll return it. How did she accomplish this Christmas morning marathon of fake smiles without offending Yeezus? Probably Botox.

What could be more ostentatious than giving/receiving enough gifts for a lifetime all in one day? Broadcasting it live to the world, of course. Which is exactly what Kim did on her app that people actually pay money to subscribe to. That bears repeating: people paid Kim Kardashian money to watch a video of her opening her Christmas gifts.

As if there was any other option for a soundtrack to this ridiculous showcase of greed, Kanye slapped on his new album in the background during his gift exchange with Kim. Why not subliminally suggest to the people paying for your wife's app that they should fork over some cash to you as well? It's like product placement for a movie, only this movie features a mostly plastic person opening presents and talking about how she deserves all of them because she "hasn't shopped for herself in six months." That's a real quote from Kim in her attempt to justify this madness.

Possibly the highlight of her extravagant Christmas haul was what appeared to be a multicolor Saint Laurent fur coat that retails for the same price as a well-equipped Honda Odyssey. Granted, one is outerwear that will surely incur the wrath of PETA and boldly states "I'm a total jerk and I don't care who knows it," while the other is a minivan that features traction control and best-in-class hip room. We'd argue that the Honda's versatility would have been the better use for that kind of money in this situation. Kim has two kids now. Does that rainbow coat have optional dual headrest monitors and enough storage capacity for those huge nets of soccer balls? Not likely.

While Kim got 150 personal assistant-selected gifts that cost who knows how much total, the only gift she gave to Kanye on film was a Can-Am Spyder, which is basically a backwards, motorized tricycle. Given Kanye's many public tantrums and meltdowns over everything ranging from not winning awards he thought he deserved to not being accepted into the popular kids' fashion circles, this is literally the perfect gift for him. It only cost $15,000, which is relatively modest, but we're sure he'll adorn it with diamonds or the hides of endangered animals before cruising past a homeless shelter and blowing exhaust in everyone's face.

According to Kim and Kanye's joint Instagram account, most of the gifts Kanye bought Kim were part of "a whole new wardrobe for her 'Bounce Back' body after Saint." So basically, Kanye gave her a bunch of fabulous, high-end couture that she can't wear until she loses a bunch of weight. Call us crazy, but we can't imagine any normal woman being thrilled with her husband's overt anticipation of her body "bouncing back" after giving birth. That sounds like a one-way ticket to Couchtown and an absolute ace in the hole for future arguments, so enjoy that Kanye. You'll be hearing about it for the rest of your marriage. Wait a minute, did we just find a silver lining to this abhorrent exhibition of gluttony? It's a Christmas miracle!