The Most Ridiculous Kardashian Products

If there's one thing the Kardashians have mastered—aside from ushering in the end times—it's branding. Since becoming the most recognizable family of the reality TV landscape, the members of the K clan have shamelessly lent their names and likenesses to a variety of products and services. Some have made make total sense, like their beauty products. There is no better spokesperson for self-tanning bronzer gel than a shallow, vanity-fixated fame monster. But of course they didn't stop there. Here's a list of their strangest business ventures that seem tailor-made for the Walmart bargain bin.

There is a real line of products that include, but is not limited to, shirts, phone cases, posters, throw pillows, duvet covers, and mugs that feature Kim Kardashian's crying face on them. People take money that they earn working at jobs they probably hate, and they exchange that money to see Kim Kardashian's crying face every time they sip their coffee. That's either hilariously ironic for about five seconds, or tragically sad in terms of genuine fan usage. What's worse is that the image comes from a scene of Keeping Up With The Kardashians in which Kim is having an ugly meltdown over the breakup of her marriage to Kris Humphries. What a commemorative occasion! Hey, Kardashians, remember Lamar Odom overdosing in that brothel? Because we just thought of a great idea for a Christmas ornament...

If you're searching for a gift that says "I'd like our friendship to be over," then look no further than Kim Kardashian's 352 page book filled with pictures of her face. That's literally the entire book. Of course, as an added bonus, each picture does come with a deep reflection about the moment of the snapshot, including details about who her makeup and hair stylists were, what labels she was wearing, and what other fabulous people were around at the time. It's a fascinating glimpse into Kim's world, as long as your definition of fascinating is dead wrong. The only acceptable context for this book to exist should be as reference material loaded onto a starship that's crewed by humanity's last hope as they search for a new home planet while periodically reminding themselves how terribly we screwed up the first one.

Three dollars a month doesn't get you a lot these days, but it's still way too much to ask for access to "exclusive content" by a family that already documents the minutiae of their entire existence. Which is probably why Kylie, the youngest of the family, is by far the winner in this sales category with 74 percent of overall downloads. Young people spend their money on dumb things. What kinds of dumb things? Glad you asked. Subscribers to these apps get a backstage pass to the contents and organization of Khloe's refrigerator or a tour of Kylie's wig collection. But the fun doesn't stop there, because there's a chance that subscribers' personal information might get hacked, just like the first half a million or so subscribers who adopted early. Identity fraud is totally glam, you guys.

The idea of a "couture lollipop" is so ridiculous on its face that the only people who could ever actually sell it would have to be the Kardashians. Think about it: they're both falsely overvalued versions of normal things. That's why multiple Kardashian women have hawked the costly treats that can run as high as $30 a pop. That's right, for one lollipop, they'd like you to plunk down the price you'd pay for a tank of gas, two IMAX tickets, or five or six Chipotle burritos depending on what part of the country you live in. We're not economics scholars, but that sounds like the business plan of a complete moron, and now that we put it that way, it makes total sense.

Because Kim Kardashian is, first and foremost, a great humanitarian, she once partnered with Charmin to open public bathrooms in Times Square. When ABC asked her reasoning behind the partnership, she said she's happy anytime she's involved in "getting great people jobs" and "opening up a great facility," which would be dangerous statements for everyone nearby if there wasn't a bunch of toilet paper laying around. Her answer should have been "Money, I just love it and I'll clearly do anything to get more."

At the time of this writing, the surge in popularity of waist trainers—modern day corsets—is probably the most regressive step in the body acceptance movement. And while "no pain no gain" is the mantra of many gym rats, we doubt they're talking about sore ribs, acid reflux, and difficulty breathing, which are all possible side effects of waist training. But since the Kardashians are singularly focused on wealth and vanity, this is a product endorsement deal made in heaven. That is, if you believe in a creator of humans and think he's up there going, "You know, I should have focused more on the mid-section. Hopefully they'll invent a painful, self-shaming contraption to fix my goof." But that's just the thing—there's absolutely no evidence that waist trainers even work. It's almost as if the Kardashians know they're selling a defective product and don't care because they're unscrupulous paper chasers, but no, that can't be right. They'd never do that.

When you spend your life in front of cameras, you start to feel like any form of entertainment is in your wheelhouse. That's why so many reality stars try acting and singing, and Kim Kardashian is no exception. Her single, Jam, was the audio equivalent of banging your funny bone over and over for four and a half minutes. If you're able to watch the entire video—and not on mute, cheaters—you should probably be a Navy SEAL, because your physical and mental fortitude are a rarity. Seriously, please never subject yourself to this awful song, and die happy knowing you never experienced what ultimately was her first and last attempt at music.

Hey, wanna know what Kris Jenner's using to enhance her love life these days? Wait, where are you guys going? Well, if you're still reading, and sorry about your lunch by the way, this is the part where we tell you about Kris Jenner endorsing Zestra Essential Arousing Oils, a blend of botanicals and extracts she uses to "experience deep pleasurable sensations." That's right, the matriarch of the Kardashians is selling lubricant, because if a member of that family is going grab the spotlight with a public showcase of her sexuality, it's going to be her. Wait, what's this? Kim Kardashian got famous how? Nevermind, everyone, the lube thing is nothing. This family's already through the looking glass in this department.